Festivities

  • $24.99


All I want for Christmas is solitary confinement. Due to a spelling error in a memo sent out from the office of "We Know What You Need" and the department of "Oh My God I Haven't Seen You Since High School!", there are 3 major holidays so close together that you start isolating yourself come 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. You don't mean to, but by this time you hear Jingle Bells and Black Friday commercials so often the idea of interacting with those who claim they love you but demand you talk to them more than once a year seems like hell. So you take a deep breath and hoard up on snickers and gluten free flour for the week of Thanksgiving so you don't have to venture out into the angry mob that will attack your car if you stop at a red light because "There's a sale on generally overpriced skinny jeans and throw pillows and if I don't get that coffee mug with the pink peace symbol I will key your car you slow moving mammoth from the Ice Age! Floor it grandma!!" The swarms of folks are dressed up like Eskimos and that's okay except they don't act like the aloof and dignified Eskimos. These are more akin to the squawking seagulls in Pixar's "Finding Nemo", racing through the aisles yelling "mine, mine, mine". Nope. Best to avoid those overly talkative and enthused mutants who are unaware that shopping carts go into the cart holder and not on the curb or in another parking spot. So... anyway, you barely survive Thanksgiving but find out two family members are pregnant and realize gifts must be bought so you can prove your love to relatives that tell you too much information about their colonoscopy. Even though the fact that you haven't blocked their number should be proof enough of your love for them, they will still demand something heartfelt and sweet for Christmas, and you're too much of a softy to not do it, so you may as well bite the bullet. So this year, you're going to do it right. Get the shopping done early and call all of your family members. This plan falls apart when you go to the store and the crackhead with un-brushed hair but surprisingly beautiful teeth comes up to you and tells you how he convinced a small child that he was a wizard by saying "Open Sesame" to motion activated doors. It is at this point you decide to knit everyone scarves and just send them a text. After all, Santa only visits people once a year and everyone loves him. • 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (heather colors contain polyester) • Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2) • Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size guide

  XS S M L XL 2XL 3XL 4XL
Length (inches) 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34
Width (inches) 16 ½ 18 20 22 24 26 28 30

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